A series of unfortunate thoughts

Something I’ve realized over the last week or two is that I’ve started becoming mean and hateful again. It seems to stem from politics, the recurring state of the world, my own misery, and the lingering weight of both new and past traumas. It’s all being accelerated by some of the company I keep. These are my own doings. I’m allowing social media, the news, and hearsay to influence my emotions and my mind. That’s my fault. No one else’s. My reactions are my own. I spent years trying to correct this behavior. Looking ahead, the path felt impossible, looking back at my past states of mind, the effort felt fruitless. It wasn’t until June of last year that I really saw the first changes in person. I encountered a situation that I only recognized as a "test" after the fact. It came in the shape of a random woman who was struggling with her own mental health. Ironically, that’s the type of person I often attract. It leaves me wondering what kind of energy they see in me, but that’s...

I’ve spent the last few months realizing that I don’t actually share most of what goes on in my head. Instead, I’ve let my social media persona do the talking, letting people believe that’s the sum total of who I am. If I’m being real for a second, that version of me feels pretty shallow compared to the reality. I see it in people's reactions when they meet me in person. They’re usually surprised because I’m not the "fuck boy" they expected from my feed. I’m actually the opposite. Don't get me wrong, the fitness and the "spicy" side of my content is authentic and fun, but it’s just a fragment of the whole. It’s my own fault for hiding the rest of myself in the shadow of a curated image. So, I’ve decided to start journaling again, but this time I’m taking it public. I want to show what’s actually going on in the mind of an everyday guy trying to get a handle on life. I’m done with the rat race and I’m working toward a more stable, remote lifestyle where I can...